Impasse

Well.  This is right around the time where I begin to find writing every day frustrating.  I was never a girly type, not anything close to it.  Always with my boys, always doing something like playing video games or shooting fireworks off at things.  This also applies to that great stereotype of 'girls keeping journals/diaries.'  I never was able to do have one.  My grandmother has this thing where every Christmas when she gives out presents mine always end up being nail kits, clutches, and on occasion a diary (one of the worst ones were these pjs that were pink and covered with frogs with crowns saying Crown Princess all over).  Anyways, I would never do more than three or four entries and then I would quit.

The problem with diaries, journals, and now blogs is that one becomes stuck somewhere between telling too little and telling too much.  The chance that another person can look upon what you've written and form some shade of opinion that is off from what you were feeling when you wrote it down.  The chance that another person could find you... your thoughts, feelings, afflictions... through a deliberate search or a casual accident is terrifying.  Without it actually happening, if you still think about it, you feel threatened.  What would this person think?  Is there something they can use against me?  Something I cannot even see for myself?

Was I rash that day?  Was I in a temper?  Was I feeling mushy and writing about how much better my day was because I saw a particular someone?  What if all I wrote was trivial nonsense- what category of human being would I be placed in?  Is it paranoia or just the plain old truth.  You may think you want something found, and then after its discovery, realize that it wasn't what you planned.  Do I want that?  How quickly can I destroy something that I've written?

So, this blog.  On the one hand, people say it helps to write things down.  Clears the mind.  Focuses you.  On the other hand, you cannot do that unless you include your innermost thoughts.  Do I really want people to see that?  No, I don't think so.  Even if it is just one or three people.  But, then again... there is such appeal in the idea- hence the popularity- of writing down exactly what I am thinking at that exact moment that I am writing that I end up right on the edge, the precipice between the two.

Perhaps then, a more somber song would be appropriate this day, especially seeing as I have a single half hour before I break my word of writing every day.
A Perfect Circle- 3 Libras
This song I can relate to, and it's a song that creates a response in the listener.  Enjoy!